I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
