Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
