i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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