so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
