he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
