just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
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He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
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I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny