areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes