The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.