i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I supernannyed him into submission
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit