I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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