Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
