did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
