they need to just BURY HIM!
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
