i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I wanna passion pit in your ass
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I am full of burrito and curiosity
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
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