he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
