I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
A+ Viking dick
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize
