life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
