I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
worst night to have a conscience
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize