I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Randomize
