dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.