Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Randomize
