Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
