Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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