ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
