We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
