Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
