My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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