Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
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