dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Every concussion has its silver lining
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Randomize
