walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
