Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
