you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
