I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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