we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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