Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
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i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
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That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize