She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.