I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
23 Parents Gave Awful Advice about “The Birds and the Bees”
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.