There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.