note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
