look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
My ATM looks so different sober.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
