i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
