no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Randomize
