so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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