im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
