i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
We left the knife in your bed.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
