I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
