yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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