Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
