I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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