I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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