My Higher Power is John Stamos
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
