I puked a lego.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
