I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
