just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
