nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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