well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
So many bounce houses so little time
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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