Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
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I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
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no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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