The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
