Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Randomize
